Thursday, April 09, 2020
Mixpack Review 4: North Coast Brewing Co. Scrimshaw
Beer company: North Coast Brewing Co.
Name of beer: Scrimshaw (Pilsner style)
ABV: 4.5%
Origin: Fort Bragg, California
Founded by: Mark Ruedrich, Tom Allen and Doug Moody
Bought out by: n/a
Beauty of Pour: 7 out of 10. Looks like a properly carbonated Budweiser.
Odor: 5 out of 10. Smells like a cheap American lager with hops and sugar dumped in it.
Carbonation: 13 out of 15. The bubbles are throughout, lively but not foamy. They done good on this, son.
Mouthfeel: 10 out of 15. It comes on a little strong. The bubbles punch the tongue hard, which disguises the rest of the beer for quite a while. If I hold it for about 30 seconds then the hops take over. I'm not doing this on every drink, this is too much work.
Flavor: 35 out of 50. It's an acceptable pilsner, sometimes the flavor leans more pale ale than I would like, which is fine, but not the best.
Complete score: 70 out of 100. If I were to a mow a yard on a hot day or play wiffle ball, this is not the first beer I'd reach for, and that is kinda what I want out of a pilsner.
Saturday, April 04, 2020
Mixpack Review 3: Big Muddy Galaxy IPA
Beer company: Big Muddy (that was my nickname in high school)
Name of beer: Galaxy IPA
ABV: 7.5%
Origin: Murphysboro, Illinois, United States
Found by: me at Friar Tuck
Bought by: me at Friar Tuck
Beauty of Pour: 9 out of 10. I thought based on the bottle popping sound (BPS) that this beer was going to be fugly, but whoa there cowboy, saddle up.
Odor: 4 out of 10. Y'all non-IPA fans out there ever go to try an IPA for the first time in a while and you think, "This dry-hopped piece of shit. This is exactly what a hipster salad smells like when the croutons are sprinkled with shitty hipster moustache clippings."? Well I do and this beer stinks like a shitty over-hopped hipster IPA.
Carbonation: 14 out of 15. I am trying to find something to complain about and I can't find it. This has ruined my evening. How am I supposed to be cynical about this beer? It probably tastes terrible, so I'll hold out for that.
Mouthfeel: 13 out of 15. The texture and density are incredible. I've had IPAs that were like sucking on a christmas tree flavored cotton ball. I've had IPAs that tried to tone it down. This did neither of those things-- It held on to the IPA taste pretty well without being to dry.
Flavor: 40 out of 50. IPAs are not my thing. This is the best tasting IPA I have ever had. The flavors are balanced, never too overwhelming, never too lacking. I could drink more than one of these.
Complete score: 85 out of 100. Try it if you dont believe me. I wanted to fail this beer and I just couldn't do it. THIS BEER IS 7.5%? I don't believe the label.
Byahhh!
Wednesday, April 01, 2020
Mixpack Review 2: Big Muddy Vanilla Stout
The beer I'm about to review appears to local, but could perhaps be described distributionally as regional.
In a few minutes worth of searching, all I can say for sure is that Big Muddy Brewing is or was a brewery that does or did serve food and a reasonable selection of beer. Beyond that, who knows, man? Southern Illinois is a mystery to me. Shout out to KFVS-12 and 100.7 KGMO, which are undoubtedly popular there.
My spouse selected the Vanilla Stout from my mixpack tonight. Stouts are what I often treat myself to when I've been on a long run of cheap beer. I'm admittedly biased in their favor, but I also wholeheartedly hate the state of Illinois. We'll see what happens.
‐-------------
Beer company: Big Muddy Brewing
Name of beer: Vanilla Stout
ABV: 6.0%
Origin: Murphysboro, Illinois, United States
Founded by: Chuck Stuhrenberg(...?)
Bought out by: I'm not sure but their website implies they are independent.
Beauty of Pour: 8 out of 10. It's pretty, for sure. But that's a pint glass and a 12oz beer. Pouring with care, it took a solid 4 minutes to get the beer into the glass. I spilled it even while being careful.
Odor: 8 out of 10. Surprising low odor. There's a hint of vanilla but I had to huff it several times to even catch it a little It is quite plain. Nothing off putting, though.
Carbonation: 14 out of 15. The bubbles are throughout, not overly lively. It's even. Minus 1 for having to sift my shitty Quarantine Moustache through a 2 inch tall pancake to get to the damn beer. The carbonation is nearly perfect. Makes me wonder how it would be on tap.
Mouthfeel: 12 out of 15. This is smooth, but not silky. It has a low density for a stout, perhaps a little thin.
Flavor: 45 out of 50. I was 5 ounces into this beer and it suddenly felt like my tongue was getting sneak-attacked by vanilla. It's labelled as a Vanilla Stout and it didn't punch that flavor into my soul for a good portion of the beer. I appreciated that. I can usually tell the difference between real vanilla extract and the artificial stuff squeezed from the glands of a raccoon anus: I am pretty sure they put the real stuff in here.
Complete score: 87 out of 100. This was a good beer and a good stout. I'd like to try it on tap and I'd definitely buy a six pack if it was less than 9 dollars. For slightly more, I'd have to think about it.
Thanks for reading.
Sunday, March 29, 2020
Mixpack Review 1: La Rossa Doppelbock
Editor note: This is like an online meal recipe. Skip to the bottom.
With little going on, I ventured out to Friar Tuck to price check cherry juice, for the purpose of making a cherry wine. Why cherry wine? For cherry brandy.
I haven't been out in public much in the last two weeks, nor have I seen a friend in-person in a very long time. With that in mind, I had no idea what to expect when I went in. There were only two staff members in the whole place. The cherry juice was about 2 bucks more than what it costs online. I'll order it. I've got time.
Employee in the back of the store seemed nice and kept his distance as he attempted to help me find some sour beer. I settled on putting a sour beer into a mix pack and brought it up to the front.
The sour beer, a "Schlafly's from the Ibex Cellar: Sour Blonde Ale", was apparently shelved incorrectly and rang up as 6.99. Time to swap it out for something that can go in the mixpack. (Side note: What a name on that beer. I had to look it up just to get the order of the words correct.)
When I came back, I realized the only other customer in the store was waiting about 15 feet behind me. He was holding 6 bottles of wine and a large glass jar of orange juice and waiting for me. "Oh jesus, I am so sorry."
"It the fucking apocalypse. I wake up, I drink mimosas, I go for a walk, then I wait for tomorrow. You're not bothering me, I've got time. It's cool." Nice dude.
Get to the point, moron. I guess I'll review my mixpack in a series of posts. The rest of them won't be this needlessly long.
-------------------------------
Background:
Please consider that I am trying to calibrate the 100 scale to be similar to a school's grade breakdown. There are going to be some A's. There are also bound to be some Fs. Neither of the extremes are the expectation.
This is beer, so it takes a lot to alienate me fully. I'm not a drink snob, so I can see positives in a Keystone Light. Unless it's a lite beer with zero flavour that also did 9/11, I'm probably going to see a positive or two.
The way I review beer is admittedly dependent on how much I've had before I taste the beer. I did my part to not give a grumpy review and got 53% drunk before I poured this beer. Accordingly, it is possible that you, the reader, might believe I made an error in my judgments. Post a retort, you poopass.
Finally, I had my spouse or significant other pick the order for me to review the mixpack I purchased. This is an attempt to assure that my biases or assumed preferences won't have a chance to bloom.
---‐-----------------------------‐----------------------
The scoring system:
- 10 points for the beauty of the pour. If this seems high, I don't know what to tell you. It's only 10% of the total. (Math!)
- 10 points for odor. Hard to lose many points here, but when they mess this up, they mess this up.
- 15 points for carbonation. The way it is canned or bottled matters. Disagree? Try Guinness from a can vs. Guinness from a bottle.
- 15 points for mouthfeel. Insert joke here. The totality of texture, which is dependent on density. Will also consider if it fits amongst the style it is supposed to be. I'm probably not the person to determine this but I'll try, I guess.
- 50 points for flavor. Listen, buddy: If it doesn't taste good for any reason, the beer isn't going to review well. Significant offenders: Yeastyness, sweetness, bitterness, and errors in brewing that cause undesirables like such as the pewp flavours (archaic chemistry term).
---‐-----------------------------‐----------------------
Company: Birra Moretti
Name of beer: La Rossa Doppelbock
Origin: Italy
Founded by: Luigi Moretti
Bought out by: Heineken International, 1997
The review:
Beauty of Pour: 9 out of 10. It looks like the other doppelbocks I've had. Brown when held to the light, fairly dark when it's just sitting there. I ain't sexualizing it or nothin' but it looks pretty good.
Odor: 8 out of 10. It smells sweet, maybe a little too sweet. Like someone stirred sugar into the final product.
Carbonation: 10 out of 15. It's more flat than I expected. I dunno. Maybe that's the style and intentional? It is devoid of the reasonable effervescence of the doppelbocks I have had. It's not that it fully lacks carbonation (I mean look at the picture), it's just that it doesn't have carbonation throughout. The bubbles are all chilling up there on top and the rest if it is dead and flat.
Mouthfeel: 11 out of 15. Guys, I'm probably drunk. And I'm mildly offended by this beer's mouthfeel, but I cant articulate why I feel as such. It's oddly thin.
Flavor: 36 out of 50. Someone out there thinks this beer is great, I'm sure. It has all the things humans usually like: Alcohol, sweetness, and a distanced fondness for Italy. But it isn't my thing.
Complete score: 74 out of 100. I wouldn't buy it again, but it didn't make me puke. If you like doppelbocks, it might be worth your time. You got something else going on?
With little going on, I ventured out to Friar Tuck to price check cherry juice, for the purpose of making a cherry wine. Why cherry wine? For cherry brandy.
I haven't been out in public much in the last two weeks, nor have I seen a friend in-person in a very long time. With that in mind, I had no idea what to expect when I went in. There were only two staff members in the whole place. The cherry juice was about 2 bucks more than what it costs online. I'll order it. I've got time.
Employee in the back of the store seemed nice and kept his distance as he attempted to help me find some sour beer. I settled on putting a sour beer into a mix pack and brought it up to the front.
The sour beer, a "Schlafly's from the Ibex Cellar: Sour Blonde Ale", was apparently shelved incorrectly and rang up as 6.99. Time to swap it out for something that can go in the mixpack. (Side note: What a name on that beer. I had to look it up just to get the order of the words correct.)
When I came back, I realized the only other customer in the store was waiting about 15 feet behind me. He was holding 6 bottles of wine and a large glass jar of orange juice and waiting for me. "Oh jesus, I am so sorry."
"It the fucking apocalypse. I wake up, I drink mimosas, I go for a walk, then I wait for tomorrow. You're not bothering me, I've got time. It's cool." Nice dude.
Get to the point, moron. I guess I'll review my mixpack in a series of posts. The rest of them won't be this needlessly long.
-------------------------------
Background:
Please consider that I am trying to calibrate the 100 scale to be similar to a school's grade breakdown. There are going to be some A's. There are also bound to be some Fs. Neither of the extremes are the expectation.
This is beer, so it takes a lot to alienate me fully. I'm not a drink snob, so I can see positives in a Keystone Light. Unless it's a lite beer with zero flavour that also did 9/11, I'm probably going to see a positive or two.
The way I review beer is admittedly dependent on how much I've had before I taste the beer. I did my part to not give a grumpy review and got 53% drunk before I poured this beer. Accordingly, it is possible that you, the reader, might believe I made an error in my judgments. Post a retort, you poopass.
Finally, I had my spouse or significant other pick the order for me to review the mixpack I purchased. This is an attempt to assure that my biases or assumed preferences won't have a chance to bloom.
---‐-----------------------------‐----------------------
The scoring system:
- 10 points for the beauty of the pour. If this seems high, I don't know what to tell you. It's only 10% of the total. (Math!)
- 10 points for odor. Hard to lose many points here, but when they mess this up, they mess this up.
- 15 points for carbonation. The way it is canned or bottled matters. Disagree? Try Guinness from a can vs. Guinness from a bottle.
- 15 points for mouthfeel. Insert joke here. The totality of texture, which is dependent on density. Will also consider if it fits amongst the style it is supposed to be. I'm probably not the person to determine this but I'll try, I guess.
- 50 points for flavor. Listen, buddy: If it doesn't taste good for any reason, the beer isn't going to review well. Significant offenders: Yeastyness, sweetness, bitterness, and errors in brewing that cause undesirables like such as the pewp flavours (archaic chemistry term).
---‐-----------------------------‐----------------------
Company: Birra Moretti
Name of beer: La Rossa Doppelbock
Origin: Italy
Founded by: Luigi Moretti
Bought out by: Heineken International, 1997
The review:
Beauty of Pour: 9 out of 10. It looks like the other doppelbocks I've had. Brown when held to the light, fairly dark when it's just sitting there. I ain't sexualizing it or nothin' but it looks pretty good.
Odor: 8 out of 10. It smells sweet, maybe a little too sweet. Like someone stirred sugar into the final product.
Carbonation: 10 out of 15. It's more flat than I expected. I dunno. Maybe that's the style and intentional? It is devoid of the reasonable effervescence of the doppelbocks I have had. It's not that it fully lacks carbonation (I mean look at the picture), it's just that it doesn't have carbonation throughout. The bubbles are all chilling up there on top and the rest if it is dead and flat.
Mouthfeel: 11 out of 15. Guys, I'm probably drunk. And I'm mildly offended by this beer's mouthfeel, but I cant articulate why I feel as such. It's oddly thin.
Flavor: 36 out of 50. Someone out there thinks this beer is great, I'm sure. It has all the things humans usually like: Alcohol, sweetness, and a distanced fondness for Italy. But it isn't my thing.
Complete score: 74 out of 100. I wouldn't buy it again, but it didn't make me puke. If you like doppelbocks, it might be worth your time. You got something else going on?
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